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I would probably (maybe definitely) “turn back the hands of time” as the song goes and have Joe back with us, and yet there is a part of me which understands I am becoming (I hope) a wiser, kinder and more faithful person through the process of grief. I don’t really like the idea that sadness can produce benefits because I do not enjoy pain, but I am growing through my travels with my companion, Grief.  Sometimes Grief is enough steps behind me that I think I have lost him, and then he runs up beside me and taps me on the shoulder to remind me he is still with me. There are moments I am carrying Grief, cradling him, and days when the sun is so bright I cannot see him. But Grief is a constant, and I am learning to slow down, listen, and respect the lessons he is teaching.

God is also a constant presence and has held me so tightly, and at the same time, so gently in His hands that I can only worship Him and say Thank you; thank you for holding me up when my legs will no longer support my weight, for prompting a friend to pray for me and then text me to let me know, for surrounding me with the love of family, friends, and truly special and blessed people of the preschool, and for giving me answers before I knew the questions.

I may be slightly morbid; Laurel accuses me of being preoccupied with death and dying. I was planning my own funeral years ago, just to “be on the safe side.”  One early morning as I was leaving for work, I guess it was about 15 years ago or so, I saw what might have been a  small explosive device on the street ahead of me.  Joe would be leaving shortly with Laurel, and I knew I had a choice; I could drive over the device and sacrifice myself for my husband and small child, or I could drive around it and save myself.  As mentioned, I may be somewhat morbid (and I definitely have one hell of an imagination)!

The reason for sharing the above is this, and I think it is important.  I believe God knows what will happen, can change it, and yet seldom does (for reasons He alone understands) and yet, because He loves us unfailingly, tries to prepare us, hampered only by the limits of  our human understanding.

I had gone to a memorial service a few weeks before Joe died, and afterwards found myself reflecting on how meaningful the service was.  I wanted to incorporate aspects of that service into my funeral service (as I wrote above…a wee bit morbid).  I never thought of Joe’s funeral; even though he complained (all the time!) of being tired and not feeling that great, I just figured he would live longer than me.  And to really be honest, I never dreamed I would be particular about funeral details of another person (Hello, who was I kidding?  I am a Virgo!)  But when Joe died, his service and the particulars of it became very important.  I took those aspects of that memorial I attended that I thought were particularly meaningful and incorporated them into Joe’s service.  And garnered real peace from them too.  I believe that perhaps God, knowing the peace I would receive from the details,  spoke to me through that memorial service.

This will be hard to believe for some of you (smile), but Joe and I did not have the smoothest path in love.  In fact, it was filled with bumps and sharp curves!  And he had always traveled, for the 25 years we knew each other.  So we didn’t always say good bye when he left; we knew he would be back in a few days.  And often, we forgot to say “I love you” as he left.  But the day before THAT day, I was at the door as he left, and with a quick peck, I said “I love you.”  I am thankful Joe heard those words as he went on his way and I believe God pushed me to that door (because I was probably either watching a DVR’ed show I loved, or cleaning the house and feeling very busy) so I would have one less thing to regret (cause there have been many things although I am working with some success on not beating myself up on something I can no longer change).

Note to others, and with no preaching intended because I have been there: life can be shorter than you anticipate and when your partner/child/friend is gone, those dirty clothes on the floor, or cough drop wrappers on the floor next to the trash can because he/she is such a bad shot or in such a hurry they can’t pick it up (damn, I miss those wrappers), or whatever other habit drives you crazy, will seem childish to you that it ever bothered you.  But, ok, even after such a lesson, I am still working on not letting the small stuff drive me crazy (like needing the sheets and blankets to be perfectly balanced and smooth; Laurel knows what I’m talking about!)

Here are a couple more examples for you.  Laurel did a really dumb thing (as we all are prone to do), and she lost her Resident Advisor job as a sophomore.  Because of that, she lived at her Granny’s, beside us; I mean, I forgave her but didn’t think she should be rewarded with an apartment!  Because she was at home, she had two years most college students wouldn’t, snuggling with her Dad on the couch watching tv, going to ‘Canes games, having Friday lunch dates, and in general, soaking up his wisdom.

Remember I told you Joe had always traveled?   Well, about three-four months before April, Joe wasn’t traveling quite as much.  This coincided with my requests (i.e. demands) he help out more with Jackson, and Joe began taking Jackson to school almost every morning.  Now Jackson considers himself quite the audiophile, and he really is, but he had nothing on Joe!  Joe was in a band in his late teens (and maybe early 20’s), composed songs, played guitar, and with his remarkable memory, probably remembered the year, artist and song title of almost every song he heard.  So Jackson and Joe played what I call “the music game” on the way to school, and so for that three-four months, Jackson was able to quiz Joe over and over again.  It was special moments between the two of them.  (Jackson tries very hard to play this game with me, but I am no fun because even after he tells me multiple times an artist’s name, never mind the name of the song and forget about the year, I cannot remember any of it!  He is currently seeking replacement musical genius’s!)

Eight or so years ago (Joe was the keeper of dates), I mentioned to Joe’s Mom to let me know if the house behind her, or the one beside her, went on the market.  Especially the one next to her in the cul-de-sac!  She said she would, but that she was pretty sure the one next door would not go on the market because the couple was fixing it up, and seemed to really like the neighborhood.  Five days later, they went to her to let her know they were selling the house.  She and Papa agreed to loan money to Joe and I so we could put a non-contingent offer on the house and we were the proud owners of two homes.  Our home sold in five days!  Alton and Ginger had eight years of being able to see their son every day he was in town!  Praise God!

Janet and Chuck were Jackson’s mentors for church confirmation.  Jackson really admires Chuck, who is an FBI agent, and Chuck has been a great male role model for Jackson, especially since Joe’s death.  Both Janet and Chuck have supported our family and in particular Jackson for the last two years.  When Joe died, they were there for Jackson, Laurel, and me.  Sadly and unexpectedly, they lost their 25 year old son in a car accident almost two months after Joe died.  Amazingly (to me),  Janet said the way I handled myself, and Joe’s service, was an example for Alex’s service.  I think God used Joe’s service to give her guidance she would need.

God always works for good (although we are not always able to understand).